WATCH TV Hot Bitz Alex Zane's Book Wank After brilliantly harnessing of the capricious and inaccessible nature of the "World Wide Web" in last month's "Rude Tube" on Channel 4, the Zanester follows his success up with a look at ready-books. In this 6 part series, Zane uses the medium of television to guide the viewer through exactly how, why, and where books exist and what they have done for the world. Episode 1: "Books - how do you read one?" Camp X-Ray Factor • 100 terrorists • 99 electric chairs • 1 fake passport, 1 ticket to Washington, 1 car bomb • Who evades death and gets the dream prize? • You decide! • Hosted by Michael Beurk and Melanie Sykes Natasha Kaplinski has defected to Five News and started to present the news in uber-casual jeans and blouse. BBC News execs have vowed Huw Edwards will retaliate with further casuality but what will he wear?: 102/5 - Gene Simmons Kiss-era make-up 47/6 - A pinker shirt 13/6 -Maori poncho 13/6 - Just a cock-ring 3/29(fav) - A toddler on his shoulders What will Huw Edwards' wear? Insane in the MTV-brane That's Mental! MTV Blacks, Friday, 9.30pm MTV puts the question in questionable-taste with a new gameshow based around the world's two most favourite mads, Britney spears and Paul Gascoigne. Host Fern Britton asks deliberately obtuse and complex questions designed to confuse and harm the fragile minds of both Spears and Gazza. Whoever is reduced to sobbing first is the loser and has to drink and pill themselves into yet more psychological turmoil for the delectation of the watching teenage audience. Meet the contestants Britney Spears MTV says: "Britney's going through a really kooky phase right know which 14% of our 12-18 year old female demographic said they really found fun. We really hope to harness her potential as a Phoebe-from-friends pop madam. Dr Henk Drinkle, University of California Brunswick Center For Psychology says - "Ms Spears should be heavily medicated and not approached". Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne MTV says: "Playful, wacky and extrovert - Gazza's been mental all his life (now it's just official). We really think hebring a lot of surreal energy to this project" Paul Gust, Bellboy at the Gateshead Hilton Hotel says - "He was taking to his suitcase. He's gone". Paul and Debbie's Sunday Night Takeaway Wizened ex-king of light entertainment Daniels and his slowly bloating wife Debbie are filmed by CCTV cameras in their Cheshire mansion each week as they attempt to order, collect, pay for and consume a meal from a local Chinese eatery. This week: Paul forgets to ask for Hoisin sauce and has to sleep with the dogs. Channel Five announce new "The man/woman who... documentary season.... The Man Who Became An Otter The Woman Who Always Had A Good Time At Parties The Man Who Ate A Whole Watermelon Without London Shite... ...I'd be stuck running the family plantation in Hydrabad LONDON SHITE