SWEAT Cheaters: The Fastest Animals on Earth? Legless Dwain Hops Back On Track Drug-cheat Chambers allowed to run again under new forfeit system Athletics' high-moralisers have been persuaded to change their tune over the Londoner's comeback after the UKA announced a new forfeit system for proven cheats. Four groups will now be able to nominate a special penance, with the UKA, fellow athletes, the general public and small children all having a say in deciding the price of redemption. #Not wanting to disadvantage their best sprinter, but still wanting to look tough, the UKA will be making Dwain wear the "naughty hat" at all competitions. Showing typical wit, the Great British Public has voted poor Dwain must now run every race "a la egg and spoon". Just because he served the required 2 year ban doesn't mean he'll get off lightly. Steve Cram will saw off his right leg, while Colin Jackson cheerily attaches a substitute 'blade'. There was a big argument here as to whether Dwain should be made to wear a tutu, or forced to run with a necklace of explosives, set to go off if he does too well. Eduardo "not actually dead" discovers delighted general public Relieved and embarrassed doctors at Birmingham's Selly Oak hospital last night revealed their surprise that Arsenal hot-shot Eduardo da Silva had in fact survived last week's infamour challenge with Martin Taylor. "Obviously, we saw that Sky weren't showing the tackle and then we saw the fade-to-gray montage at half time" said Doctor Abdul Nazir at Selly Oak "By that time Eduardo hadn't yet reached us so we just presumed he'd expired". Football fans around the country were also bemused to discover Eduardo was alive. One million roses shaped to read 'R.I.P Eduardo' had been arranged outside the Emirates stadium in North London, only for red-faced club officials to remove them two days after the challenge. Hospital officials were only alerted to Eduardo's living-ness when he bit his way out of a body-bag in Selly Oak's morgue and started screaming. One Minute in Hell Bystander tells of terror at mercy of 'rabid' Man City fans Rape. Torture. Disfigurement. Horror. It was supposed to be 60 secs of venerational quietness in honour of the single most tragic loss of life ever, but, as the hush descended at Old Trafford, Man City's fans seemed hell-bent on barbaric disrespect. Like werewolves in full-moonlight, Manchester's "dark half" turn uncontrollably contemptuous at the merest sniff of reverence for the deceased. So horrifying is the transformation that they have already been banned from Poet's Corner, the Diana Memorial and Remembrance Sunday for the public's safety. So why, oh why, were they ever allowed within 50 miles of Man United's tribute to the brave Busby Babes? One shell-shocked witness gave us this account of his "minute in hell". (Be warned - not for the faint-hearted!): "Just five seconds in one of them coughed, and my life flashed before my eyes. It would only get worse. About twenty seconds down a few of them were definitely thinking about sexually assaulting something. I think it was a small animal, but it could have been a child. Evil bastards. I wanted to cry for help, but I was duty bound to keep my mouth shut. About 40 secs in a few hundred of them were quietly plotting an ethnic-cleansing or some kind of brutal slaughter. I've literally never been so scared. Now, even the merest whiff of silence gives me nightmares." Sir Alex Ferguson has ordered a full enquiry, but for the victims, the damage may be undone. Street Urchin Play your way out of the ghetto as a precocious young footballer addicted to crack. Succeed and a professional contract awaits, fail and you'll find yourself sold into the sex trade. LONDON SHITE