LONDON SHITE Think Right Richard Littlemind's BIG THOUGHTThis Week: Yet more rubbish I've convinced myself is true (but isn't) Hi there! I hope your brain's feeling all mushy, because I'm about to foist my imbecilic opinions on you and I'd rather not encounter any resistance. Just lie back and think of England. It'll all be over soon. Now, is it just me, or is this great country being overrun by gays and ethnics? The answer's 'Yes'. But do you know why? I'll tell you why. Because decent Englanders like you and me just can't opress anyone without bloody health and safety regulations stifling our patriotic efforts. Now correct me if I'm wrong (don't worry, I'm not) but isn't opression what made us great? Where do you think this nation would be if this sorry state of affairs had always been the status quo? Here's a clever little scenario to help you think my way (I wrote it all by myself!): Imagine we are now standing on deck of The Zong, an 18th Century slave ship: "Excuse me, Captain. How many negroes do you have wedged below deck?" "About 600. Why?" "Well it's just that health and safety says you should have less so they don't all die and stuff." "Gadzooks, man! Next you'll be telling me I can't toss them overboard when they become inconvenient!" "Well, that would be nice. And really you shouldn't have any at all." "Oh, Jesus! Not all this "everyone's equal" codswallop. Now hear this, old chap. These slaves are bound for the New World to work themselves to death on sugar plantations and make England great. Would you rather do the work yourself? Do you hate your country?" "No. Good point. Opress away." In Your Own Words Want To Write Some Crap? Because we want to fill some space (use your thoughts + attached web-crayons) Let your massive intellect dangle free withJeremy Paxman's SMARTY PANTS Being premiered at The Royal Festival Hall this month... WORDS AND SONGS ''This Is England - The Musical' Fun for all the family as Sir Tim Rice and the film's director Shane Meadows invite London back to the less politically correct (better?) days of the 1980s. Includes the hit numbers "Oh, why won't the Pakis pack up and piss off?' and "Hey Mr Blackyman!" Book now for Summer matinees. MOVEMENTS. YES I CAN! - The Shane Ritchie Story. The Montreal Touche-par-Dieu dancers give the life of TV hearthrob and Daz merchant Shane Ritche a re-working in the form of expressive dance. SOUTHBANK CENTRE.