LIVE Fear Factory This Week: Children Are our little people making London bad? Uh oh. You only popped out to get some milk and all of a sudden you’re face to face with a terrible peril. Terrorists? If only! A hungry bear? You’d be lucky! A riled Alan Davies? No. It’s kids. A ruthlessly apathetic gaggle of youth, sharpening their little trainers against the pavement, waiting to strike. Odds are, you’ll never ever drink milk ever again. London’s children now kill more grown-ups than cars, mentals and cigarettes put together, with a further 79% of the capital’s under-adults involved in maim, rape or scowling. This isn’t made-up. This isn’t scaremongering. This is fact. This is here. This is now. This is London. Right here. Right now. In your town. In your street. Probably in your home right now. Gutting a beloved pet or sloshing a prize Margaux wantonly against its ignorant little palate. A child. A killer. What can us mere adults do in the face of such evil? Here are a few tips: 1. NEVER look a child in the eye or say 'hello'. These are signs of weakness and they will savage you. 2. DON'T believe Blue Peter. They don't like making stuff. They like murder. 3. NEVER have a child. It's as good suicide. It will buy a knife with any pocket money you give it and then it will stab you to death. 4. SELDOM leave your house or enjoy life. If you are happy, you are vulnerable. If you a vulnerable, they will know. They can smell it. TFL NEWS... "If you don't like the way we do things, fuck off" Greetings DronesWe've noticed you keep asking our busy staff pathetic questions like "How do I get where I'm going?" or "Can you help me with my wheelchair?". Do you think they've got nothing better to do? From now on, if you are so feeble as to need help on our network, ask each other, or try learning how to walk. It's not hard. OK? Happy Kenember! Mayor creates 13th month to accomodate London's new World Tour Think about it. Six billion potential customers. One London. Something's got to give. Right? Right. If we really want to maximise our potential as a product, we've got to stop thinking like a place to live and start whoring ourselves out willy-nilly in the big wide world. So pack your bags - London's going on the road! "But, Ken !" you cry. "As much as I love you and would follow you to the end of the earth, I've got a job!" Not to worry. I've created a whole new month just for Londoners. I call it Kenember. It'll happen just between June and July and last 2,987 days. I think it'll be lots of fun! Now here's the clever bit. At 9am on Kenember 1st, 2008, London will detatch itself from mainland Britain and set sail for a relentless circumnavigation of the globe, propelled by the London Eye, which is actually a giant paddle wheel I designed for the purpose. At each stop of the tour, you, my little Londonees, will wear humiliatingly stereotypical costumes (it's what they want to see!) and do an entertaining, but essentially degrading, dance, while I dine with local dignitaries and collect the wonga. Come on! We could be bigger than Starbucks! WHY I LIKE LIVING IN FEAR No one likes change, which is why I've been living in Fear all my miserable little life. In Fear, you get a real sense of community. We share everything - cups of sugar, picnics, hateful philosophies, but the best thing is probably the complete lack of variety. It makes you feel all warm and snuggly like when mummy hugs you tight and tells you life can't hurt you. ...Top 5 Tesco's 1. Stockwell Could it really be any other? This Tesco's towers above the rest in all areas, from checkout beep tone (a sublime F sharp) to coldness of milk. Simply stunning. 2. Camden The staff's "just the wrong side of friendly" attitude give this store an exhilaratingly gritty edge. Impressive, but not for everyone. 3. Hammersmith Revolutionary parallel layout redefines the genre. Mindbending. 4. Canary Wharf I can't believe they accept cash and cards. Are we in the future? 5. Kensington Wow! Crisps and beer in the same aisle. Big trolleys, small trolleys and baskets. Great stuff. LONDON SHITE