Politikz etcPM's Nationalisation FrenzyBrown gets stuck between Chris Rock and a rocky placeHere's the good news. Chris Rock, Fraggle Rock, Ayers Rock and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson are all now officially assets of the state. The bad news is that we're going to have to buy less medicine. Oh well. Swings and roundabouts. Reports are also coming in that Gordo is eager to nationalise the rock of greek legend, Sisyphus. Originally condemned to push his mighty burden up hill for eternity, Sisyphus will now take a well deserved rest while the British tax-payer struggles ad infinitum instead. HARRY'S WAR… only on Wii. So real, you're nearly in the action! For 2nd Lt. Prince Harry, danger is more than aword. It's a lifestyle. Bored of sitting in a big palace and getting wankered in Fulham, brave Harry sets out to waste some terrorists in Afghanistan. Now this lethal weapon is under your control. 100+ incredibly wii-listic actions, include: Photoshoot - you stand still somewhere safe, Harry does too and has his pic taken. Remote control - you press a button. Harry presses a button. Afghans die. Retreat - you let someone else do the tricky bit, Harry flies back to blighty. Be a hero! Total MayorFaking ItMeet The Natives... with Boris Johnson What if you were plucked from your natural habitat and sent to live in a smelly foreign land, with gruesome foreign people? What if in just four weeks you had to convince an ignorant majority of them you knew enough about their loathsome ways to be their glorious leader. What if I told you that that ‘land’ is London, and those ‘people’, us? In this delicious twist on the current anthropological craze, a lone tribesman, from a far-off land, will spend four weeks living amongst us, learning our ways. Boris, our visitor, will then stand in an actual mayoral election, scrutinised by millions of his new kin. Can he fake it? Will anyone be fooled? Or will ironic support be enough? Week One: Boris offends some blacks in PeckhamAuthentic Italian Food Teutonically Engineered In a Laboratory by... Professor Von Buntenbaum. Stalking Made FunFAMOUS PEOPLE SEEN DOING STUFF!!! FIONA BRUCE stealing yoghurt from a nun... COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN asking SIR RICHARD ROGERS for Sudoku tips on the JUBILEE LINE... a man from LEICESTER with a funny eye... MICK JAGGER sneezing at the zoo... STEVE JONES standing under a very big tree in the park Crime Eyes Out Photofit: Unplugged Behind the scenes of crime-fighting's crappest weapon Including every vague adjective they actually used!!! Case 12: Maddie Mystery Man Hair: "The first thing that struck me was his distinctive hair. Kind of lank with highlights of evil." Mouth: "He had a paedo's mouth for sure. I also recall he had roughly about 32 teeth. Give or take." Eyes: "They had a small round black bit in the middle with very sinister lashes. And they were open"Facial hair: "Not sure, but it was definitely really scary." IT'S SO EASY PEASY!!! WHY NOT TRY AND DRAW YOUR OWN!!! This week police are looking for a serial-killer matching this description: tall, frightening, human, wearing at least two shoes. Your vague approximation is as good any, so send them in and you could win a new set of crayons. A year. For life!!! It's All About YOUYou spend HOW long in the shower?!? In and out? Or hang about? Tell us more!!! About 5 minutes. Sometimes less. Usually until I am clean. I don’t. My wife usually scrapes me down with a stridgel. Text STAGN8 to share your story now! LONDON SHITE