London Shite

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross were forced to make public apologies yesterday after it was revealed that their late night pensioner-baiting was just the tip of much larger unsavoury iceberg. A number of Britain’s favourite olds have come forward since the incident and claimed that the persecution of TV erstwhiles has been going on for months.

The BBC has since released a shocking litany of the pair’s exploits, many of which were recorded drunkenly in the backseat of a Renault Clio belonging to Ross’s wife, and then broadcast later that night. Among the misdeeds:

Ringing Patricia Routledge to tell her of that her husband was killed on a waterslide

Convincing Roger Moore that they were NHS staff and telling him to remove his own kidneys and post them back to Guy’s Hospital

Forcing Michael Parkinson to climb into his bath with his clothes on and eat an entire ham

To demonstrate the full scale of the appal, veteran cartoonist Tony Hart also released a full transcript of his ordeal:

(Phone ringing)

Hart: Hello?

Brand: Tony Hart, yeah?

Hart: Speaking.

Brand: Where’s your wife, Tony?

Hart: Excuse me?

Brand: Is she there, Tony?

Ross (in the background): Call him a w*nker.

Brand: Get off! Where’s your wife? Tony Hart? Hony Tart, more like, yeah?

Hart: Tell me who this is.

Brand: You tell me where your lovely wife is. I’ll tell you where, she’s out on the town with Rolf f**king Harris.

Hart: I can easily find out who you are.

Brand: Ooh look at me, I’m Tony Hart, I paint with watercolours-

Ross: Call him a gay.

Brand: F**k off Hart, you didn’t even draw those pictures.

Ross: Yeah, stupid Tony Hart.

Brand and Ross (in unison): STUPID TONY HART, STUPID TONY HART, STUPID TONY HART!

Ross: You haven’t been on TV for 15 years, you w*nker.

Brand: We’ve both got f**king chat shows, Hart, where’s yours?

(Hart hangs up)

“I’m for change but not Russell Brand kinda change” says Obama, “Look how the old guy won!” counters McCain

With only two days of further campaigning, Barack Obama and John McCain have begun to define their final messsage by the global crisis developing at BBC Radio 2. Senator Obama has said the lapse shows we need the ‘Change we can believe in’ that he’s promising rather than ‘Change Which Insults A Nice Old Man’. Meanwhile John McCain has claimed Sachs’s dignified manner next to Brand’s puerile arrogance shows the advantage of calming senility over the roaming noise of a young buck.

The Republican senator for Arizona went further promising that should he be elected, he would drastically change the protocol of Inauguration Day by inviting Mr Sachs and his grand-daughter, rather than the Chief Justice, to administer the oath of office.

“Oh my goodness” summarises Stats. office chief

Economic apocalypse edged ever closer last night with a new report from the Bureau of National statistics highlighting the extent to which credit-crunch disasters have destroyed the very fabric of our lives.

Click on the pic or here to see the report’s findings.

Following in the triumphant footsteps of last week’s MOBO awards, London Shite is proud to announce the launch of our brand-new, all-encompassing, ‘Stuff Of Black Origin’ Awards.

This year’s categories include:

Best Kitchen Appliance of Black Origin: The Saucy, Saucy, Saucepan - Ainsley Harriot (10-1); Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grill - George Foreman (7-1); Breville 907xt Leisure Juicer - Breville (5-2 fav).

Best Sugababe of Black Origin: The white one (8-1); the blackish one (3-1); the black one (Evens).

Best Economic Slump Of Black Origin: Black Monday (6-1); Black Wednesday (5-1); The Dark Ages (7-3 fav).

Best Eyebrow of Black Origin: Alistair Darling - LEFT (9-2); Alistair Darling - RIGHT (7-3); Frida Kahlo (2-1 fav)

Plus… win tickets to this year’s show!

If you’d like to be in the audience for this magnificent occasion, you’ll first need to check that you’re OBO enough using our handy Sugababe OBO-meter (above). Then simply text ‘I’m so OBO!’ to 25225 and we’ll put your name in the hat. Good luck!

Celeriac-faced Presidential candidate argues for “time off to rescue financial markets, foreign policy and all human misery” as polls begin to turn.

John McCain today pleaded with his Democratic rival to bring a halt to the furious campagning for the White House while he planned his multi-lateral plan to fix all global problems.

McCain’s “Putting Big Stuff First” plan will see the Presidential race suspended for as long as it takes the Arizona senator to complete his global quest for human completeness. Hitting back at critics who have lambasted his laissez-faire style, McCain will begin to reconcile the world’s largest issues in person - commenced by a concilliatory meeting with the mujahideen of Pakistan’s tribal territories and continuing with a personal dressing down for school bullies everywhere.

Collapsing US investment bank look to salvage millions by expanding Nigerian False Investments operations

Sagging financial behemoth Lehman Brothers today stunned analysts everywhere by attempting a dramatic resuscitation. Under their new ‘Begging for Business‘ model, the bank has closed all traditional lines of financial activity and instead focused on growing its junk-email business. Currently, 1 million of the below entreaties are being sent to potential global investors every hour.

the text in full…

Dear beloved Friend, 

As you read this, I do not want you to feel
pity or sorrow. Me and my brothers have not lived
our lives so good. We have put our greed and money
aheadof God and his mercy. We were once as rich
as the stars and now we have nothing. But there
is an exclusive access to funds which I wanted
to tell you of and petition for mutual
opportunite.

I believe in the power of God to accept my
soul and be merciful. That is why the Lord has
allowed one last great investment opportunity to
become available to me and my brothers. There is one
problem. Because of our sinful over-exposure to debt
capital markets, me and my brothers are unable to
supply the necessary deposit to access this rich source
of income. I already have banks in Bulgaria, Pakistan
and here in Lagos ready to furnish my investment but
all I need is an initial growth of $275 million. A
small sum but returnable with weeks when the promised
access to capable funds has been assured.

I have set aside 40% and the promise of a
brand-new sports car for you and your investment. 

God be with you,

Honeste Kalanga LEHMAN and my brothers

Eager film fans can get a sneaky peek at this year’s groundbreaking LFF line up on the BFI website’s London Shite page - www.bfi.org.uk/londonshite. Highlights include inspirational football-artdoc Barton: A 21st Century Portrait, political-journalism thriller Moyles/Pinochet, gritty juice epic The Man From Del Monte, and several austere but rewarding Polish films about an old man who lives in the woods on his own.

Click on the pic for more detail.

Members of Facebook have criticised its creators for going ahead with a series of bizarre alterations to the site’s design and usability. The new navigation system has seen the usual buttons replaced with a set of “dynamic sentient nodes“, while new features include the “Friendly Probe“, an “Interactive Audience with Desmond Tutu” and the mystifying “Wipe My Chin” application.

Click right to explore.

Corset wars hear up as ITV plans ‘new-old’ series to counter Beeb’s period drama smash

With the BBC’s conflated epic Tess of the Prejudice winning the ratings war, ITV are launching a fightback with ‘Mr Darcy’s Great Expectations’ – a 96-part romp into the imagined life of Britain’s favourite bit of 18^th century cock-and-balls.

In each episode Mr Darcy meets, falls in love with and marries a different female character from the annals of British fiction. This week; Darcy gets seduced by the sass of Chaucer’s Wife of Bath.

But will it be enough to see off this week’s Tess of the Prej? See below and judge for yourself.

With music fans everywhere disullusioned by the increasingly mainstream nominees for the Mercury Music prize, a group of urban sonic guerillas have set up the Thallium Noise Trust to reward genuine creativity. Here’s our selection of the favourites for the prize…

The Mick Forbes Trio

Official Soundtrack to Hetty Wainthrop Investigates.. (Season 2)

One of many left-field selections by the 2008 panel, this previously unheard-of in-house BBC recording is tipped as a good outside bet. With Forbes on synth and the brothers Jeff and Nigel Dorigo on bass and keys respectively, the trio recorded accompanying music for this Patricia Routledge-driven BBC smash back in 1997. The stand out track Hetty Smells A Rat has already been sampled by PJ Harvey but the one you’re probably most familiar with is the final track ‘A Fine Mess…’ for which Spike Jonze has made a groundbreaking video.

Tiny Simon

Why?

Simon Armstrong, the 7 year-old son of PR guru Xan Armstrong and Nibbles DeLacey head of programming at SmirkTV, has already proven himself to be Britain’s most prodigious musical talent of the last twenty years despite only playing a Fisher Price xylophone. Having begun his musical career performing before the cheese course at his parents’ dinner parties, he now enjoys a residency at the Camden Roundhouse where this bewithching album can be enjoyed in full. From the painful and indignant first track – I Ain’t Goin’ Back (To Prep School) – all the way through to the clubland anthem More Sweets! this never ceases to shock and caress the listener.

The Streets

Getting Ready

Mike Skinner and the streets he represents make a storming comeback with yet another concept album this time focussed on Skinner’s own personal hygeine regime. Describing in minute detail the ablutions he goes through each morning between 8.20am and 8.50am, this represents the freshest take on the concept album genre since Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks in 1968. Skinner’s wordsmithery lends itself to the whole range of activities – kids are already humming the catchy chorus to track 3 Doin a Shit (“I’ve got the shitz/dem little brown bits/make me feel the pits”) but it’s the last track The Pain of the Stain, describing a frantic Mike trying to clean his jeans for a big day ahead, which impresses the most (“Can I get rids of this stain oh nay!/I thought it was Copella but it’s chardonnay!”)

The Delve

Spunkz

Gloriously unreconstructed fun from this lager-y Warrington 6-piece who famously swap hats during their raucous live shows. The songs lack musical fluidity and recognisable instruments but it’s the esprit de jeunesse they evoke which charms the listener. Top track is the anarchic call-to-arms Bringing Down the System which details how lead singer Jiz Behest once defecated right in the foyer of Soho House and just acted like nothing had happened.

Norman Wisdom and Thora Hird

Raising Smiles

With the mainstream ‘sell-outs’ at the Mercury prize concentrating on Robert Plant and Alison Krauss’s duet album, more experienced music buffs have revived and praised this 1943 collaboration between two of Britain’s favourite war time comedy crooners. Comes with a Special Edition flip-book featuring Norman sticking it to the Hun.