London Shite

Coming to BBC One this Autumn…

Ready Steady Cook: Redux

The ever cheerful Ainsley Harriot brings a bit of extra spice to the competitive cookery show by forcing contestants to whip up a three course meal in some of the world’s most hazardous environments, including a collapsed oil rig, a sinking ferry and a contested Afghan opium field. While the chefs fight for the condiments, and for their lives, Ainsley circles the arena in helicopter shouting instructions and impressions of his Jamaican mother through a megaphone.

Lily Allen’s Nooks and Crannies

The nation’s favourite BMX riding popster tours various UK buildings and is challenged by members of the public to fit herself into spaces that normally couldn’t accommodate a fully grown human being. Episode 1 sees Lily getting into difficulties in a primary school air-vent in Surrey.

The National Lottery - Live from Belmarsh Prison

Eamon Holmes makes the public’s dreams come true in front of the country’s most dangerous criminals.

Eastenders

All hell breaks when new character Martin Luther arrives in Albert Square spouting inflammatory remarks about the rights of the baptised and universal priesthood. Meanwhile, Bradley is furious when he is sold an overripe pear.

Flashback! with Bruce Forsyth

New Saturday entertainment in which members of the audience try to convince a confused and heavily sedated Bruce Forsyth that they are members of his family come to visit and make him remember events that never really happened.

Last of the Summer Wine Season 58

In the war-torn future of the Yorkshire Dales, a bionically enhanced Compo still relentlessy stalks his killers from season 7, and the villagers struggle to put on the summer fete when a mysterious virus starts eating away at their faces.

The Uncompromising Scottish Policeman

Gritty, hard hitting crime drama in which a shouty detective behaves like a bastard to everybody but eventually arrests someone who’s been abusing kids, so isn’t really a bastard after all, but sort of is. Guest stars John Virgo as Jimmy the Rapist.

ProblemATTIC

Another smash-hit gameshow from Endemol this time coming from Central Europe. Hosted by infamous cellar-dweller and darling of the Austrian media scene Joey Fritzl, ProblemATTIC is a game show that tests family ties like never before. Pairs of Father-and-daughter compete with the daughters locked in ‘Joey’s Big Attic’ and the dads, below, solving tough puzzle-based maths problems. For everyone they get right their daughter takes a step down the ladder towards freedom and a potential 20,000 euro prize. Get them wrong and they’re staying there!

Apocalyptic Darling urges London “seek forgiveness from the Lord” as proscriptions begin

Crunch-stopper General Alistair Darling today invoked centuries-old statutes designed to maximise London’s dwindling supply of economic vitality and also demonstrate to the Lord our unabashed forgiveness for the sloth and greed that has brought the pestilence of Crunch

The list of proscriptions in full…

1. All top hats must be worn 24 hours a day to give the illusion of economic grandeur thus frightening off the spirits of Crunch.
2. The first born of each London family to be sent into Epping forest to hunt fruit and trap small birds for food lest the capital’s diminishing supply of victuals be damaged.
3. To boost productivity and ensure maximum national anti-Crunch effort, infamous social pariahs are to be brought back into the fold of British society. John Leslie will cut logs for fire in Arbroath whilst Gary Glitter will drive old people to the sea.
4. Sea water to be drunk at all times - Crunch-stopper Darling firmly believes that our current plague is a cause of London’s 4 choleric humours being out of balance. The cold saltiness of sea water can revive melancholy which must then be balanced in the phlegmatic humour with a sticky bun or a bottle of Yop.
5. Pets to be abandoned or fought against one another as a value-laden entertainment spectacle offered in lieu of expensive Premiership football.
6. The Chanson de Mort - a macabre 14th century dance - to be performed by every Londoner each Friday at dusk to scare away the ghosts of Crunch. Each borough of London will be assigned a T4 presenter to arrange, cajole , and lead the dance.

Judo expert and international sourpuss Vladimir Putin has shown further contempt for the UN by signing his own treaty that forces neighbouring countries to engage with Russia according to the terms of the family board game RISK.

The new foreign policy dictates that Russia is not only entitled to the state of Georgia, but also all the adjacent “Green” territories as far as India and Japan providing their leaders cannot match Putin’s score with 2 defending dice. It also requires the international community to provide him with 8 new armies at the beginning of each year if his campaign is successful.

Putin lashed out again at Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, who is refusing to engage fairly with Russia. “He knows the rules”, said the Russian Premier. “If we decide to advance on Georgia, he can only defend with 2 blue dice. I know the box comes with 3, but one of those is a spare.”

Music and light-entertainment changed forever today at the launch of 4music - Channel 4’s newest and most music-based shouting vehicle.

Also it’s 4siblings were announced to the world - new channels which the network hope will tighten thier grip on all things to do with the number 4. CLICK ON THE PIC FOR MORE VITAL INFORMATION.

After the success of rowing, sailing and other well-heeled sports Team GB is set to build a new, higher class olympic venue for a raft of toffee-nosed, soon-to-be Olympic sports.

THE REFECTORY - an inch-for-inch replica of Brideshead Castle just outside the Olympic village will host the finals of Eton Fives, Rugby Fives, fagging and tuck-purchasing, all of which are set to see a Team GB clean-sweep!

At yesterday’s launch, Boris Johnson announced he had made Seb Coe “House Captain” of the project, overseeing the new construction and trying to push through a raft of other new sports such as…

* WaterWheeling
Team GB says…
“The twin British strengths of the bike and the surf have been separated for too long. WaterWheeling - where boats powered by furious cycling and steered by sturdy sailor-men can only yield great things for Team GB and sport in general ”

* Penny Sprint
Team GB says…
“The lithe, elegant beauty of the Penny Farthing has been ignored by the IOC for too long. We anticipate at least 5 gold medals from farthing-related events at 2012″

“You spend all your time with other players – you never compliment me like you used to” blurted Chelsea ace

Lachrymose braveheart John Terry was yesterday again at the centre of patriotic controversy when it emerged Fabio Capello’s decision to maintain his England captaincy had been prompted by angry floods of tears and hurtful words of emotion directed to the Italian.

“Yes it is true that John and I had a bit of a falling out on Monday night” explained Capello this morning “It was nothing really – I had said I was going to go and see Mamma Mia with Rio and I didn’t invite John. You see I thought he had seen it. But he was furious – it had been a long day of bibs and cones and John felt I was ignoring him. Eventually, I said ‘Johnny – you are for me the best one!”

“But he said I had to prove it before he could ever trust me again. So, here we are.”

For top pundit Mark Lawrenson it was the only choice - “What JT gives England is visible passion in the form of tears - can anyone else match his weepy tenacity? No. Case closed”

Asian sojourn “deeply significant musically” claims Glitter at launch of new tour and concept album

A haggard but determined Gary Glitter today announced the launch of his new oriental-influenced tour set to rock the nation this Autumn. “Gary; Journey to the East” an explorative tour of South East Asia’s rich musical landscape taking in all its most wacky instruments and diverse performers, represents a change of direction for the spiky showman.

Speaking about his years researching the project Glitter said his musical pursuit had been “grossly misrepresented” by the British media and claimed that only the award of the Mercury Music Prize for the show’s accompanying album (left) would stop him from turning his back on the country he once loved.

WIth little to separate the world’s finest gymansts in the Beijing Bird’s Nest Stadium the frontrunners have taken to choosing obscure musical accompaniments in an effort to stand out. None more so than American world champion Shawna DiTestiro who today moved about rythmically to a classic ’80s Dance Hall hit from Britain’s own Chas ‘n’ Dave. Click here for the video.

We go under the covers to reveal the immorality at the core of last week’s Opening Ceremony in Beijing.

Turns out this pretty-child substitution scam was only the tip of a rather reprehensible iceberg.

Click on the picture for our special report to find out more.

Anxious officials fear repeat of Berlin ‘36 as Spiritual Leader steams through semi-final

China was today facing the biggest threat to the Beijing Games thus far as four-eyed freedom fighter the Dalai Lama stormed through his heat and stayed on course for his goal of a Gold medal in the 110m hurdles. Speaking after the race Dalai said he had “given 110%” and wouldn’t leave Beijing “without my Gold medal”.

Lama, a competent sprinter in his youth, had trained for months in the Tibetan hills with the avowed aim of mimicking Jesse Owens - the black man who made Adolf Hitler so angry in 1936. Whether it will pay off will depend on the outcome of Saturday’s final.